What gets me is that most porn is so boring! So lame. So ungrateful. I mean, really! It's a multi-billion dollar business and it's ungrateful to it's public. I know we're not talking about rocket science or cold fusion, but we are talking about entertainment. Why is it bad to make good art?

I don't dislike all porn. Truth is, I don't have much use for porn, at all. Maybe that's why I wasn't a huge star. I got a little recognition for being cute and professional, but ultimately, when I jumped in to perform I fought my bosses all the way. "Yeah, I do scenes, but not with girls." "Yeah, I do anal, but I don't like my hair pulled." "Yeah, I'll talk dirty, but I won't call anyone names." This was my way. Always trying to fulfill the role of the job, but with some class. My way.

I talk to girls. They ask me about how to deal with certain things, and there's only one way with men in porn (and some women), and that's to be self-assertive. Know. What. You. Will. And. Will. Not. Do.

Simple.

Always keep it simple. It's a job. A business. It's not personal. Ah! But it is, right? It's personal but only after you do the business part. That's the trick. Emotion clouds the situation. Emotion is unproductive in business.

I had a director hell bent on getting me to screw on a horse. Not screw the horse! (I'm compensating for the sick people out there. I love ya, but yo' craaay-zay!) Screw ON a horse. I said no. Then I talked to the owner of the horse. You gotta be ready to see things from all angles here. A horse is a big beast that can crush you from only one little misstep. The companies don't provide accident/injury insurance. Do they? No. They don't compensate you when something goes wrong. You have to think about these things, cuz these guys will get whatever they can out of you. Remember, they want to make money first. They don't really care about you as a person. It's not right or wrong, it's the nature of the beast.

I talked to the horse owner that said the horse was very good with people on it. So I talked to my scene partner. If he went for it, then it didn't seem to bad an idea to try it, and if it didn't work, no big deal. He didn't go for it. Would not do it. So, I told the director, no way. It is very important to be aware of what's going on around you and to attempt reading people when you can. For instance, a male or female who does not pick up a book on HIV and STDs upon deciding to get into this business, should not get into this business. Why? Because they don't care enough about themselves to be educated and healthy, and when they don't care about themselves, they don't care about you. That's it. If you care, you educate yourself. If you don't care, then you don't. If you already know, then you're already educated and everything is wonderful and perfect! That's my story and I'm stickin' to it...

I relayed the answer of my scene partner to the director and he took me aside. This is very important, because everyone's got their angle in every business. Everyone wants something. Never forget that you are the one risking everything here. You are in the spotlight with your body. The director will not get hurt or contract any diseases from your scene. Nor will the person footing the money for the project. (The person you never see on these things.) you alone must deal with the consequences of your actions, and in the end, you have no one to blame but yourself if you do not think for yourself.

This director took me aside and suggested that I seduce the guy into doing the scene anyway. What's more important here, he whispered these instructions to me while he held my upper right arm firmly in his hand. Obviously, a man used to subtly, yet unsubtly... getting his way. This did not escape my attention. Never be afraid to be intelligent in this business. If intelligence will save you anywhere, it's in this business!

I reacted, because that's what I do. I was offended. Deeply. For me, but mostly for my scene partner. He did not want to maneuver his body into me on top of such a powerful animal, and I did not blame him. And the poor horse! That isn't even considering the horse will be fine with two people fucking on it! A creature with the same moods and changes in temperament as any human being. This isn't emotional, it's logical! Common sense is desperately lacking in most people, let alone a porn director looking for a beautiful sex shot in front of a sunset... on a horse...

Where was I? Oh! I am a great reactionary. As long as I don't think too much, my gut reaction is usually right. So, I pulled my arm away and stepped back, breaking the 'confidential air' he had created in order to manipulate me, and then I said loudly, "NO. I WILL NOT TRY AND MANIPULATE 'SO AND SO' INTO DOING THE SCENE ON THE HORSE..." you should have seen this little guy's eyes get big as he stepped back from me like my head had just caught on fire and he was afraid of becoming enflamed. I had to do it, though. It was an aggressive move to counter balance the aggressive move on his part. I was not mean to him after that, I did not bring it up again, I merely played the game by his rules and made my point. The lessons we learn in school follow us in life. And one thing is for sure, no matter what your age or what the situation, a bully is either at your throat... or at your feet. This particular director did not bully me ever again after that... I don't think... I may have to think about that one. Shit! He did. No... he tried. Gotta give him points for persistence!

Anywho! There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. Know what you will and will not do. I once did an 'Ass-To-Mouth' scene, tried to say no but didn't know exactly why so I did it anyway, and discovered that I didn't really get off on feeling dirty in that way. It wasn't the physical dirty that bothered me, as was my argument against it, it was the mental dirtiness that I didn't agree with... so I didn't ever do it again. Easy. I always asked about every specific little thing and stressed the importance of them getting a good scene! It is an art form to be self-preserving and considerate at the same time. I am very good at it. No arrogance intended in that statement... well, maybe a little arrogance. (hee hee)

I don't hold anything against any person who does what turns them on. What breaks my heart are the stories of girls who ultimately don't know that they do not have to do anything they don't want to do. Money? Jeez... Grow an imagination, baby! Go waitress. Work at a drug store. Jump into real estate or telemarketing! No one is forcing you to do anything. It's America! Go crazy and dream big. Make things happen. Go nuts or you'll never truly live. If you let someone manipulate you, then you want to be manipulated. If you don't, then learn from your mistakes and don't make those mistakes again. All of us are perpetually learning about ourselves everyday, and some people learn that they enjoy rough sex. They didn't know it, and now they know it. Do not give up your integrity for money. Do not sell your soul to fame and fortune if you aren't willing to think your way into another situation, eventually.

Is that what got me out of performing? The brain is the most erotic organ... I guess maybe it did! A dumb porn boyfriend and then escort work? I was drowning in idiocy, man. Suffocating from the desperate stench of inevitability. Well... not anymore, for now. I love the youthfulness of porn people. Attractive people having fun with each other. The 'hippie' attitude. Nothing wrong with being intelligent, erotic and generous. That's what makes porn good! That's what makes it art.