December 12, 2005 10:07pm
Overcoming Sexual Fear
Source: Fawnia Mondey
by: Fawnia Mondey
Erotic Dancing - Overcoming a sexual fear. An enlightening story published in Marie Claire Magazine. By Fawnia Mondey
"I like knowing I can control how aroused he becomes." Lisa, 28 Travel Agent
Why She's Afraid: My boyfriend asked me to perform a striptease for him before, but I've always refused. I'm glad he's comfortable sharing his fantasies, but I feared the whole experience would make me feel like a cheap, objectified stripper. He also mentioned that his ex used to gyrate for him, and I was afraid that she has set standards that I couldn't live up to. It's important to me that he and I make up our own memories, and I didn't want him to replace her face with mine in her head.
How She Conquered it: After a romantic dinner one night, we went back to his apartment and popped in our favorite Portishead CD. I had just bought a pair of really hot stiletto boots, so I was strutting around his living room like a model on a catwalk - just to be silly. When our favorite song came on, I pushed him onto the sofa, and began to swivel my hips and have fun with it. The transition felt really natural. I eventually stripped down to my bra and underwear - with my boots still on, of course. I even gave him a lap dance. I felt in control and at ease the whole time. I tried not to take myself too seriously, and we bantered throughout my performance. In the end I had a laugh, and he got really turned on. It was a win - win experience!
What She Learned: Once I learned that I could make the experience entertaining for both of us - and in a funny style that suits out rapport - my preconceptions and inhibitions disappeared, and my little striptease took on a whole new meaning. I like knowing I can control how aroused he becomes without feeling tawdry myself. He hasn't stopped talking about my performance since!
What Her Guy Thinks: I was completely unprepared for how sexy Lisa's dancing would be. And in those boots! I love how we naturally transitioned from being silly to being really sexy; it was just totally organic. My ex girlfriend didn't cross my mind at all - Lisa's easily the better dancer, anyway. I think Lisa overcame her phobia because she did it on her own time, in her own way, without pressure from me.
What Our Expert Says: Research shows that almost all men love to watch their partners undress, yet most women feel uncomfortable about trying a striptease, especially if they have body-image concerns. What was need about the way this couple approached her phobia was that she concurred her fear in a way that was natural for her, and she made it something entertaining for herself and yet still sexy for him. Being afraid of being compared with an ex-girlfriend is really common - often to the extent where women don't like to eat at the same restaurants or see the same movies that their guy did with an ex. But learning to relax about this fear can help many relationships. If a guy asks you to do something that his ex used to do, it doesn't mean he is trying to turn you into that partner; it just means that he happens to like that activity and now wants to share it with you.
What Fawnia Says: I believe that all women (and men) have it within themselves and need to venture outside of their comfort zones. Erotic dancing is no exception. The art of striptease is becoming the way to enhance relationships. Maybe it has been for a long time, but haven't you noticed we are witnessing striptease in more than just the movie. Sex in the City, Montel Williams, Kelly and Regis, Hope and Faith, King of Queens and even the queen of daytime TV, Oprah are becoming very familiar with erotic dancing. Since the production of the world's first instructional pole dancing DVD in 1998 (Pole Work, volume 1, by Fawnia Mondey) I have seen women from all professions stop and take notice. Pole dancing, erotic dancing, strip tease and lap dancing are fast becoming solid trends. A trend, that if continued will result in how our wonderful open minded European friends view sex.
What Europeans Say: With this is mind I asked Kimbal from MyPole.co.uk his opinion on Striptease, Sex in the Media, and Pole Dancing.
Kimbal writes: "I think Europeans can't be categorized so broadly. There are huge cultural distinctions across Europe, especially with sexual attitudes. For example I'm in the UK; until recently hard core pornography was illegal, although easy to purchase, where as other parts of Europe (France, Greece, Germany) pornography would be broadcast on terrestrial TV channels. UK pornography magazines are displayed on the top shelves of Newsagent shops and weren't allowed to contain pictures of an erect penis. On the other end of the scale newsstands in the streets of Greece will have pornography with anal sex pictures on full view to all. My reply will be from my opinion of being in the UK."
Striptease - "Traditionally we would relate strip tease to small city centre dingy pubs with spit and saw dust on the floor, nowadays we associate striptease with glamorous pole and lap dancing clubs which have appeared over recent years following on from the USA. They are currently opening up all over the UK. It has gone from being a small group of performers practicing their art to mass bump and grind lap dancing clubs spreading through the UK."
Sex in the media - "I pay very little interest in the media. I think a lot of people are obsessed with celebrity and sex and the media flood us with tales of celebrity and politician sexploits."
Pole Dancing - "Pole dancing was associated with the clubs mainly found in the large cities of the UK. Over recent years Pole Dancing has been adopted by gymnasiums has a trendy exercise method. I think it has moved on and has been accepted by ladies of all ages who are doing it for exercise and fun and are being very open about it."
Our Expert: Debbie Herbenick is a sex educator and researcher as Kinsey Institute. She is also an associate instructor on human sexuality at Indiana University.