September 02, 2004 12:24am
New AINews Columnist Shay Like Jerry Seinfeld
Source: Adult Industry News
by: Shay Boogie
"You know your life is similar to Jerry Seinfeld's"? This is a statement I've heard more than once in my life. I have yet to figure out if this is a compliment or not. I always thought the only similarities Jerry and I had were that we were both Jews and had crazy relatives. However, when my "non-Seinfeld-watching" friends began calling me 'Jerry', I knew I had to start examining my life a bit more.
The consensus seemed to be that I always ended up in weird, ironic, and ultimately hilarious situations. Whether I saw my daily life occurrences as hilarious was another story. It wasn't until I sat down one Wednesday evening and watched a whole night of Seinfeld episodes that I really began pondering the question that I had never taken too seriously: "Am I really like Jerry? I mean, he has all these crazy things happen to him... I'm not like him... am I?" the next day at work I asked a few co-workers why they compared me to one of sitcoms most famous Jews.
The answers all had the same common theme, "Shay, the stories you've told us about your love life and all the dates you've been on are crazy... they're just nuts". At this point, I took a step back and realized that they were quite possibly right. My dating history was very suspect and my love life was even more questionable. I decided to think back to all the girls I dated throughout my life and the ensuing experiences. I felt like I had to start a list detailing all the "Seinfeld-esque" experiences I had. After compiling the list, I would be able to tell whether I just had a string of bad luck or if it was something more. I decided to break down each "episode" into the following categories:
1. Quote - this consists of an infamous quote from the girl I was dating at the time.
2. Plot - a brief background/history of what led to the "infamous quote".
3. Question/Comment - a question that I asked myself (or should have asked myself) or comment I made after the story in question.
4. Each Seinfeld character represents a certain level of craziness...one that applies to my specific experiences.
Jerry = is This Really Happening?
George = if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
Kramer = Looney
Elaine = My Life Never Changes
And so it went...
1. "I can't just have the Tiffany's bracelet...you need to buy me the matching necklace, too!"
2. A very embarrassing moment this was. I was in Tiffany's with my girlfriend, who I had previously bought a "return to Tiffany's" bracelet for. Well, apparently the bracelet didn't quite maker her happy enough. She told me that since she already had the bracelet that I had to buy her the matching necklace. When I told her "no", she said it was "my duty" as her boyfriend to buy it for her. Although one might think she was joking, she was not. She was dead serious. When I said "no" again, she started making a scene in the store, saying what a terrible boyfriend I was. As I was standing there getting scolded like a little boy, all I could do was look for sympathy from the other customers.
3. "What a greedy bitch! It's my duty to buy her jewelry? Hell no! What kind of woman would throw a hissy-fit in Tiffany's because their boyfriend wouldn't buy them "matching jewelry"?...a self-centered one!
1. "You have to choose between me and your daughter".
2. I'm in Red Lobster, supposedly having a romantic dinner with my girlfriend and all of a sudden she tells me that I have to choose between her and my daughter. She always felt insecure about me having a daughter and thought I would ultimately go back to my daughter's mother (which would never happen). I guess her insecurities got the best of her when she asked me this question over our fried clam dinner. The thing is, the crazy bitch actually thought I'd pick her over my daughter!!! What was she thinking?
3. "Is this girl serious? She wants me to choose her over my lil' angel? She must be smoking crack! What type of woman would have the balls to ask that type of question?"
1. "Don't fuck with me...I know your social security number, where your sister lives, and where your aunt and uncle live...so don't fuck with me!"
2. Apparently this young lady had a problem with me breaking up with her on Valentine's Day and not returning subsequent phone calls. You can imagine the look on my face when I came home from work and heard this message on my voicemail. Threatening me is one thing but threatening my sister and my aunt and uncle, too? Can someone say "Glenn Close"?
3. "Why do I mess with girls from Brooklyn....they're just not sane."
1. "Even if we're not together, I still want you to be the father of my child someday..."
2. I had been trying to break up (unsuccessfully) with this girl for a few months but I finally got it through her head that I wasn't going to be her boyfriend anymore. Apparently, this didn't stop her plan of wanting me be a sperm donor for her child one day.
3. "Should I be flattered...or scared to death?"
1. "Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant."
2. My ex-girl called me at work one day to tell me that she got pregnant during the last time we had sex. I came to find out she was completely lying. How did I find out? Her roommate told me that she had been smoking weed, drinking, and had her period during the time when she said she was pregnant. When I confronted her with these accusations she said that I was trying to get out of my responsibility of being a father. However, when I told her I was going to tell her parent's that she was pregnant, she claimed that she had a miscarriage. The "I'm going to tell your parents" line works every time.
3. "How do I get myself involved with girls like this?
1. "I have a yeast infection...but we can still have sex, right?"
2. This girl I had been dating for a few weeks mistakenly thought that I was as dirty and nasty as she was. What did she expect me to say?..."Sure!...and after we have sex I'll go down on you, too!"
3. "Does she think I'm stupid or something? I might be horny...but I ain't that horny.
1. "I know we live in Massachusetts, but I'm still going to take out earthquake insurance on my home."
2. Earthquakes?...Massachusetts...? 'Nuff said. The only shaking the ground would be doing is when her fat ass hit the ground after I kicked her butt out the door.
3. "She told me she's in college? She must going to that on-line college if she's taking out damn earthquake insurance in Massachusetts."
1. "I'll just put her on her side in her crib...she'll never know that we're having sex".
2. This was the bright idea that a girl had when she wanted to have sex but her 2-year-old daughter was in a crib right next to the bed. I think I had performance anxiety because I kept looking over my shoulder to make sure the little girl wasn't watching us. Unfortunately, this doesn't say much about my character either.
3. "If she'll have sex while her daughter is literally 2 feet from her bed, what won't she do?"
1. "If your dick can fit in the opening of a bottle of Pepsi then we're not having sex..."
2. This was the ultimatum given to me by a girl I had only been talking to on the phone and had never met. She was very clear about how big she wanted her man to be. Clearly if my wee wee fit into the opening of a Pepsi bottle, I wasn't the man for her. Of course, stupid me runs straight to the refrigerator to see if I'm that man. She was thrilled to hear that I wasn't able to fit it in. It kind of made me happy , too.
3. "If I can fit my penis into this little opening than I might as well just jump off a building right now".
1. "Do you mind if we take down that picture? I don't want to have sex with a picture of my ex on your wall".
2. Unfortunately I got involved with this crazy woman who turned out to be a straight nymphomaniac. She also was my good friend's ex-girlfriend. After we had sex she told me that she was still going out with him. That didn't stop us from doing it one more time, however. Oh yeah, the picture that her boyfriend (and my good friend) was in did get taken down during the "action". The kicker is that two weeks later I found out that my roommate in college had fucked her a month before I had. This girl was a real winner.
3. "I should have known that she was a freak the first time she came over my apartment. Before I could even finish the food on my plate she looked at me straight in the face and said, 'so are we gonna fuck or what?'
1. "This is the first time you're going to meet my mom, right? I did tell you that she's a former prostitute and heroin addict, did I?"
2. These are just the words I want to hear before meeting my date's mom for the first time. Talk about feeling uncomfortable...sheesh! I don't like judging people but I really don't know how my old-fashioned Jewish mother would have reacted to this one. I'm sure I would have heard a few "oy veys".
3. "I thought I had issues..."
1."Even though I'm married, I want you to be my boyfriend".
2. I found out that it's not so uncommon for a woman to marry a man in order to have him come live in the United States. The girl I was dating had been paid $5,000 to marry a man in the Dominican Republic so he could come to the states. Although I found this far from the norm, the girl matter-of-factly said she had seen her "husband" only twice in her lifetime and that it was "no big deal". Hmmm...maybe I am just being too snotty...I mean, hey, what's wrong with starting a serious relationship with a married woman, right? That would be very shallow of me to tell her "no" based solely on the fact that she's married.
3. "When I get married, can I still go looking for a girlfriend?"
1. "Do you know my uncle is the new police chief in your city?"
2. Not something I want to hear considering the 15 unpaid parking tickets I have.
3. "I guess this means no more stealing street signs anymore..."
1. "Just because we're watching porn and I showed you my nipples doesn't mean I want to fool around with you!"
2. My date and I come back to my apartment and she decides to turn on the HotNetwork. She's watching it intently, as if she's studying for a test. Then she turns to me and says, "You know I have huge nipples? Let me show you." She proceeds to show me her large nipples up close and personal. Taking the cue (or so I thought), I make an attempt to kiss her. She's taken aback and screams at me for trying to plant one on her. I mean, I'm not the brightest guy in the world, but I'm pretty sure watching porn and showing nipples usually means "go for it", right?"
3. "She's lucky I'm a nice guy..."
As you see, I could go on and on. These are only a sample of some of the crazy experiences I have had while dating. One day I plan to write a whole book about my life and, yes, it will include pictures of the aforementioned "ladies" for your viewing pleasure (and to warn other guys about these nut-jobs). Maybe my book won't sell as many as Jerry Seinfeld's... and maybe I'll never make the money that Jerry Seinfeld makes... but I'll always know deep down that I am the "real-life" Jerry Seinfeld.
And if you don't believe me, we could always go down to the coffee shop to discuss it...