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August 18, 2004 12:00am
Dating Strippers - Never Promised You a Rose Garten
Source: Adult Industry News
by: Rose Garten

Dating Strippers - Infatuated with a Dancer? I think dating is hard work, or maybe a better word for it is Hell. We have to make a lot of effort for someone we hardly know, and the desire to get to know him or her is usually based on a first, second, or sometimes a third impression. Okay, they look great - maybe better than great. So, we decide we're attracted to the physical. We listen to the way they speak, how they react to our words, or the questions we might ask. Do we share a common interest? What are their goals? We try to judge by the conversation if they are interested in us too. Dating ain't easy!

Dating a stripper could be even more difficult. Why do I say that? I know it's true because I've been there. I was a stripper for 6 years.

Strippers are asked for their phone number, or given numbers by potential dates all the time. I used to save every business card and phone number written on a cocktail napkin from customers that sparked my interest. That probably sounds a bit eccentric, but I was curious as to how many I could collect in a year. I think the highest count was 1,334. As a writer/journalist I've always been fascinated with people. I was captivated by the stories they'd share about their lives, and even sometimes the lies they would tell to impress me. I don't know why some lied, they just did. This amazed me because it wasn't necessary. I was a college student, no one really, just a young woman putting myself through school to become a writer. That was my dream, my goal. I wasn't there to judge anyone; my job was to entertain them. No matter what they did for a living, who they were outside of the club didn't really matter to me as long as I was treated with respect and kindness. If a customer couldn't give me that---they were ignored and sometimes avoided by the other strippers working that shift. So, rude people with bad manners never got past "Hello."

So, how many people in 6 years did I actually date? I went out with four. Yep, that was it! Did any of those dates form a lasting relationship? No, they didn't. Why? A number of reasons. One decided that he would save me from the life that I had chosen for myself. Sure, at first he said he respected me for my independence and my determination to put myself through school. Then his story changed. Another was jealous of the attention that I received at the club---even though he knew that is where he met me. Yep, go figure! He went crazy, stalked me, and accused me of seeing others. Work, school, and seeing him---how would I have time to mess around behind his back? So, I dumped him. Another date lied about his past, his present, and the fact that he had a wife and children. I'm thankful that it only took 3 dates to figure that out! Is dating easy for strippers? What do you think?

I'm not saying that dating a stripper never works out... just that the chances are very slim. We do run into a lot of people that have preconceived notions about our lifestyle. Some customers aren't really looking for a date; they are looking for a prostitute. Some have found them in this business. I'm not knocking the women that choose to do that for a living---they just need to keep that profession inside those businesses where they are protected. You know where they are---if not, a bit of research on the net will point you in the right direction.

I've met all kinds of women in this profession. Some get hooked up in this business for all the wrong reasons and some don't. Some are college students, others support their family, and some simply do it part-time to make ends meet. There are a few that get hooked on drugs or alcohol---they are not the majority. Let's face it, stripping isn't an easy job, and it will never be Broadway! Stripper/exotic dancer, phone sex operator, porn model/actress, and prostitute---all are labeled as Sex Worker.

I've received this letter from a strip club patron that is infatuated with a stripper/exotic dancer:

Rose,

I'm glad you wrote the article, which I found online. I searched the subject because I met a stripper that I had considered "asking out." I wanted to ask for your advice since I feel like you won't have any problems telling me exactly how you feel (love your response to the guy who wrote about his last stripper girlfriend). This will be slightly long, but I can't tell you enough in advance how much I appreciate you reading and replying to this.

Okay, let's start with me (I'll keep it short). I'm a 25 year-old who has recently started a successful career as a mortgage broker and has been single for several months. I don't have any particular problem finding women. I would rate myself as slightly above average looking with a decent build. I have dated a stripper (dancer) when I was 21, but for all the wrong reasons with all the common stereotypes attached. Since then, I went to a strip club once after in Vegas, but never did again since having dated one ended some of the excitement.

I knew months after Sylvia (dancer I dated) and I broke up, that I was stupid for pre-judging her and being a terrible boyfriend. I just assumed she was damaged goods. (She had some self-esteem problems, but who doesn't?) She was very sweet, and very funny. I doubt we would have "lived happily ever after," but I do wonder how it would have been if I just ignored the stupid stereotypes.

Now, here's where I am today. I went to dinner with a good friend of mine that I use to date. She and I have become close the last several months because she came to work with me. She recently left to go work for another company, so I ventured the thought of re-kindling the relationship. We had a nice sexy dinner, and parted our ways.

Since I was already downtown, I had played the idea of visiting a strip club on the way home. I stopped to get gas, and what the hell; I got some cash out of the ATM. I went to the strip club and sat down by myself. I felt a little out of place since I was by myself, and dressed fairly hip from the dinner date I had.

I had a drink of water, watched a couple of dancers, talked to my waitress for a long time, etc. I turned down about 4-5 dancers for a dance. There were a few girls there who looked really hot, but I wanted to take in the environment a little.

Then there was this girl who had a nice natural look and a great body. She was wearing a tight nurse outfit. She walked by and smiled (of course) and I said, "Nice outfit." She sat next to me and thanked me. We talked for just a few, and then she asked me if I wanted a dance. I said, "Sure." She led me to a booth where she proceeded with the lap dance. I gave her a little extra up front and told her, "I don't want the tip to be awkward, and so I'll just give it to you now." She gave me one of the best dances I ever received.

Afterwards, she and I talked for a good 15 minutes. I gave her a little more money and said, "I really enjoy your company, and I don't want you to have to think about work. Just talk for a while." We talked about work, our hometowns, stuff, and more stuff. I was glad to hear she thought I was hot (but skeptical). I really enjoyed talking to her since she was very genuine, and very funny.

Now, I'm sure this story is very similar to other stripper stories, but I am in sales. I talk to the public just as much as she does. I'm very good at acting interested and carrying a conversation when necessary. Most of all, it takes a lot for me to really enjoy a talk with someone. She was witty, and had the same type of dorky humor I had. I gave her more money and said, "If you don't mind, I would prefer to keep your company for the rest of your shift." We talked more, and she gave me more dances.

Okay, I have to take a break in the story because the more I write, the more I feel like every other guy who has had a crush on a dancer. So let me summarize the good parts of the night so you can tell me what you think.

She would brush my lips with her fingers and tell me how soft my lips were. She would grab me pretty tight, and a few times, just snuggle her head in my neck (which I liked the best). She kissed me on the lips twice, nibbled on my ears (let me do the same), and held my hands sometimes when she was dancing.

We genuinely shared jokes, and even got strange looks from her co-workers and customers from talking and laughing so much. At the end of the night, she told me she had a great time. I told her the same and that I would definitely visit her again. She kicked off her platform shoes in front of everyone and said, "Come here, I want to give you a hug goodbye." I did, and I felt like I was saying bye to one of the best dates I've ever had (*Let us remember that the night started off as a date with someone else!).

She and I shared good jokes, good conversation, and some pretty steamy moments (through all of the dancing, the kiss, holding hands, and the cuddling were the best). I can tell you quite a bit about her. She loves Pepsi, the smell of leather (even though she's a vegetarian), and I know where she's from. I know when she first thought about becoming a dancer, that she makes her outfits and some of the other girls' outfits too. She thinks batteries are too much money, and she doesn't like LA because there are too many fake people there. She thinks New York would be a cool place to live, but if she had to move, she'd move to San Francisco. I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. It has been 3 days, and I can't stop thinking about her. I want to ask her out so bad, but I'm a little torn.

First thing I'm afraid of is...

Does every guy she meets feel this way?

Am I just another customer, and is she just really good at her job?

Am I naive, or are the feelings as mutual as they seem?

The other thing I'm thinking is...

How should I approach her?

How do I ask her out without sounding like every other guy, or that I want her just for sex?

I'm more concerned with the second set of questions because even if I am just another customer, I know I'm going to ask her out regardless.

I hate to say it, but I totally have a crush. I've seen, dated, and have friends with a lot of beautiful women. She is a very good-looking girl, but nothing I haven't seen before. The wittiness, the humor, the good talk, holding hands, and the snuggling are what did it for me. Don't get me wrong, she is damn sexy and I'd love to hit the sack with her. But honestly, I would rather just date and spend more time with her.

I haven't shared this story with Anybody. I need some real, honest advice. Because of the battery joke she made, I thought about sending her a small gift. A nicely wrapped little gift box with a set of batteries and a little note saying, "I didn't want you to spend the money I gave you all in one place, so I bought you these. I can't wait to see you again."

I want to visit her again, but when is it too soon? One week? Two weeks? I leave for a business trip in two weeks and I thought about visiting her again one more time right before I leave. I feel like 2 weeks is adequate time, but should I see her sooner? I think anything less than a week would be too soon. Please Help! Tell me what you think.

Sincerely,
Infatuated with a Dancer

Dear Infatuated with a Dancer,

I understand your dilemma. I'll share some things that I don't quite understand about your relationships habits. You mentioned that you'd just had a very nice dinner with a close friend that you used to date, and that you've considered rekindling that relationship with her. What happened there? If you were trying to get things started with her again why would you consider starting something with someone else? I have a slight problem with that logic. It sounds as if you're not confident with the decisions or choices you make as far as relationships are concerned. Do you see where I'm headed here?

There is no question that conversation and contact tend to move too fast in a strip club. Perhaps you should take this into consideration.

How honest are you with the close friend that you used to date? Have you told her that you'd like to rekindle the relationship, but you still want to shop around for potential mates? How would she react if you did? What if she said the same to you? How would you feel?

I'm not here to analyze you. It is up to you to analyze and understand yourself and your relationship habits.

Some of us fear the intimacy that a steady relationship demands. That fear can cause us to sabotage a relationship from the start. Then some of us crave that intimacy with everyone we are attracted to. There are those that live in "open" loving and very healthy relationships with a steady partner and play partners occasionally. It's called swinging.

Please understand that intimacy and sex are not the same. It takes some people a lifetime to know the difference. We can have sex without intimacy with anyone. The problem with that scenario is, after a period of time, long or short, we tend to feel empty. So, perhaps it is intimacy that you crave. I just have a feeling that you are wanting to connect with someone, but you don't know what you must do to make that happen.

First Rule: Know yourself.

Second Rule: "Do unto others..." (the Golden Rule)

You wrote: First thing I'm afraid of is...

(*you've admitted you have fear. Good for you.)

Does every guy she meets feel this way?

(*it's possible, and could you handle that if you started a relationship with her? Remember she is a stripper.)

Am I just another customer, and is she just really good at her job?

(*Yes, this could be true. You never know until you ask her for a date.)

Am I naive, or are the feelings as mutual as they seem?

(*Being naive is not a negative quality. It might be that a potential mate finds that part of you adorable. As far as the "feelings being mutual" with the stripper---you have to ask her.)

The other thing I'm thinking is...How should I approach her?

(*I think you should approach her with sincerity and honesty---same goes for the close friend that you took to dinner.)

How do I ask her out without sounding like every other guy, or that I want her just for sex?

(*Do you want her just for sex? If so, you can't hide it. If you want to date her---ask her? Above all don't play games.)

I'm more concerned with the second set of questions because even if I am just another customer, I know I'm going to ask her out regardless.

(*It sounds as if you've already made up your mind no matter what the outcome. In that case, the advice I offer doesn't matter.)

I want to visit her again, but when is it too soon? One week? Two weeks? I leave for a business trip in two weeks and I thought about visiting her again one more time right before I leave. I feel like 2 weeks is adequate time, but should I see her sooner? I think anything less than a week would be too soon. Please Help! Tell me what you think.

(*I don't think it's a question of too soon or too late. Relationships should never start out of desperation, like everything else, relationships begin with friendships and that takes time.)

One more thing, promise me you'll take another look at the close friend. Realize that inside every woman is a fantasy. Perhaps she would give you private dances in your bedroom every night. You never know until you ask. It doesn't hurt to open up a bit and tell a woman what you want. (her profession is irrelevant.) and you know what? You might get what you ask for. Take care of you, and repeat after me: Safe sex... safe sex... safe sex.

x's and o's,

About Rose:

Rose sends in her sometimes thorny views, quotes and opinions from the Atlantic coast where she covers the clubs and well-being of dancers behind the scenes. If you have questions, or need advice, please contact her with your information and feedback at RoseGarten@AINews.com

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