January 27, 2003 04:43pm
Ask Antonia Anything - More Annoying Email
Source: Adult Industry News
Happy New Year My Libidinous Lovelies! Still trying to keep true to your New Year's Resolutions? Not! Well, here is one gal who is keeping true to hers; a monthly dispatch of this missive from the cunning linguist. Yes, I hereby promise to deliver this column in a timely manner so that all you wonderful little people in the dark can keep abreast of the latest cummings and goings of our beloved Industry.
And boy is there a lot to report! I can't believe the New Year is only three weeks old and there is a load of information to be reported. So let's surf the waves of cyberspace and let's hope we don't have a run on with Pete Townsend and "Pete's kids". Ha! I hope that if I ever do run into the real "Wicked Uncle Ernie" that I am in a truck and he is a pedestrian.
This first series of emails should be filed under "annoyance through repetition". This sorry individual has been spamming us incessantly to the point that my editor (the stud-muffin Mr. Steve Nelson) actually begged me to give this guy a special mention just so we can get him off our collective backs.
Jameshard at [redacted]@yahoo.com wrote the following....
"Looking to make contacts in vivid. I am a fit male x competitive body builder and would like to brake (sic) in the Business and view vivid as top rated in the adult world. So how does a fit? 32 male get in your business and taken seriuslywith (sic sic Sic) a contract. www.futurebodies.com"
Okay now that we mentioned you, will you please go away and leave us alone? Let's hope Vivid never decides to have GUYS under contract otherwise they will be incessantly barraged by this loser. Some how the term "Vivid contract guy" does not carry the same weight as "Vivid contract girl".
Next question please:
Todd at [redacted]@hotmail.com wrote the following....
"I am a Mergers & Acquisition specialist, looking to acquire a production Firm, do you know of any who might be interested?"
Who do you think I am Louis Rukheyser? My suggestion is that you grab a copy of the good old reliable Wall Street Journal and study the Market fluctuations on your own. Vivid has already gone public and then there are vertical operations such as General Motors and At&T. So what are you waiting for? Go out and get the WSJ now! You will be thanking me for the rest of your life.
This next question always slays me. It's not the first time its been asked and probably not the last. But does this guy really think I have access to information like this?
Gerry at [redacted]@aol.com wrote the following....
"Hello, I have a small question to ask you. I was wondering if you have a file or could point me in the direction where I could find a compilation Porn Star salaries, production costs, time to make a film, etc. You see, I am doing a project with some people for my Human Sexuality class and I was assigned to find out the production factors of making an adult film. Thank you in advance for any information you could provide me."
Class project Huh? Yeah right. And I'll bet you stumbled on that kiddie porn site by mistake as part of your "research". No my dear Gerry, that information is usually confidential and not for public consumption.
Now here is a question that does not get asked very often:
Jay at [redacted]@aol.com wrote the following....
" Hi! My name is jay; I just happened to see this page (www.ainews.com/Archives/Story2437.phtml) and was wondering how I could get in touch with at the place in Silverlake (CA) that does the pie throwing once a month. I am an expert pie thrower. Thanks, Jay "
How refreshing! Some one who wants to break into the pie throwing business and not the Adult Film business. Well Jay today is your lucky day because the Pie throwing contest is a part of the "Freak Show" activities sponsored by the notorious "Club Gauntlet" in Silverlake. They also offer all sorts of other wacky events so go visit the link below to get the whole piece of the pie. www.freakshowinfo.00show.com/
I love it when I can kill two birds with one stone. But what really floats my boat is killing three, thanks for making my job easier gentlemen:
Question One: J.P. [redacted]@graphicus.com wrote the following....
"I'm trying to determine approximately how many sex shops there are in the United States. Are you able to direct me to anyone who might know the answer to this question? Thanks very much. Best regards, J.P."
Question Two: Alan [redacted]@yahoo.com wrote the following....
"I am developing a new product in the "panty fetish" line. I seek info on established adult magazines, web pages, or whatever, that has a track record of success in producing sales leads and/or in audited circulation. Got any referrals? Thanks!"
New product Huh? Sure it's not "researching" with Pete Townsend?
Finally, Question Three: "Good day, Here recently I read about the testing of sex toys, movies, and condoms etc. I was wondering how someone could find out how to get into something like that. Not just with your company and not just to get paid. (Sure Fella) but to give creditable reviews back to a business and maybe provide other men and women out there with more confidence in their next order. (Uh Huh) My penis is a little larger than average (yeah right sure) and what is great for many guys is not that good for me or my girl. (Poor Woman) I find normal condoms to be painful to wear and many sex toys for men to be to (sic) tight and not worth the money. Because of this I have had some grief with buying sexual products."
Dude #3 - I hate to rain on your parade, but most testing companies test their products on average sized people. So stop bragging you are only digging yourself into a hole. Pun intended. But rest assured there is hope for all of you because there actually is a site devoted exclusively to research statistics and product testing. Click below to be filled in. www.ed-u.com/educate.htm
The following question will probably do nothing to remedy the tense international relations between our countries but okay here goes:
"Dear manager. I am very interested in your magazines I would be very thankful if you send me your magazine. (or subscribe me) please send to: Sasan Sadrzadeh [redacted] Iran thank you."
Listen you horny Ayatollah, we will give you a lifetime complementary subscription to our magazine if you hand over Osama B.L. and Mullah Omar on a silver platter. Till then you can go bow to the east and thank your camels that I don't send my two good buddies Avi and Ari with the Israeli Moussad to kick your sorry ass back to Mecca.
Whew, I feel so much better now. It's a good thing I didn't choose a career in diplomacy. Now let's move on to more positive things. Like the lovely Jenna Jameson.
J[redacted]@Aol.Com wrote the following....
"I have a question maybe one of you can answer..I saw two mpegs with Jenna Jamison.. (sic) One was a lesbian scene with her using a glass dildo on some girl, and the other was her getting it from some sex machine would love to buy these movies. Do you know the name of either of them?
"My dear young man, for all things Jenna you must log on to: www.ClubJenna.com/
Now to answer a question about the dark and lovely lady of Porn;
beny [redacted]@yahoo.com wrote the following....
"hi I would like to know if Jeannie pepper ever made a gangbang movie. can you tell me the name of the movie or movies? Thanks."
She sure has, its called "Afro Sistas -Downtown Gang Bangers" and it is available through this fine publication.
Sigmund Freud would have a field day with this next guy:
Tom [redacted]@yahoo.com wrote the following....
"Is there any pill, pump, or exercise that will Actually increase the length or girth of the penis? I've read many articles on this subject and have seen pros and cons on this issue. Any input would be greatly appreciated!"
In put you say? In my opinion a fake penis is about as convincing as fake breasts. And they both feel just as phony to the touch. There is nothing like the real thing.
This next question but be directed to Weird and Gilly:
"I want to find Karen Summer firstname.lastname@example.org Me and Ziggy (DJ) worked with her in Texas and she lived with us for a short while last known she was in Chicago if u know her or how to reach her please let us know We miss you Girl Luv Kym and Ziggy"
Are the Spiders from Mars reading this? Please have ground control call Major Tom.
Hasta LA Vista Darlings.
Keep those hot emails cumming!