November 14, 2000 08:58am
Good Sex or Great Sex?
by: Dr. Marty Klein
As a sex therapist, I'm frequently asked how to create good sex. I often answer, "Why not be more ambitious — how about creating great sex?"
By good sex, most people mean a good "performance." And screaming orgasms, like in porn films.
While good sex gives us the satisfaction of doing it right, great sex provides the deeper pleasure of losing our self-consciousness. Rather than focusing on a few well-known erogenous zones, you focus on the entire erotic experience, which is diffuse and unpredictable.
Instead of being limited to physical presence, great sex involves emotional presence. This requires not only two bodies, but two souls. For some people, that means lots of eye contact; for others, endless kissing or wordless communication — but communication nevertheless and plenty of it. Great sex is not for people who are uncomfortable getting really close.
In fact, whereas good sex may be about proving who you are, great sex is about forgetting who you are — forgetting your ideas about masculinity or femininity, your desire to look good, maintain your dignity or patrol the boundary between you and the other person.
So how do you create great sex instead of settling for good sex? Paradoxically, there's no formula. It isn't what you do during sex. It's who you are. So great sex starts before you get into bed. It starts when you become less anxious about being a real man or real woman.
It starts when you stop worrying about being a good lover and start wanting to be a good partner — someone who creates the right environment and invites a companion on an erotic journey. It starts when you realize that concerns about contraception, STDs, wanting a glass of water, or going to the bathroom aren't a disruption of sex, they're part of sex.
Great sex starts when you look at your partner and say, "Here I am, come with me. I don't know where we're going, but we can't do anything wrong. After all, it's sex." Great sex.