July 19, 2006 12:12am
Ask a Swinger: To Swing or not To Swing?
by: Julie Wild
To Swing or not To Swing? This seems to be the question of the week!
As a sex, love and intimacy coach, I am asked by so many spouses if they should try swinging. There is no blanket answer and each couple needs to approach swinging as a method to strengthen a bond or trust, not to repair a damaged marriage or relationship.
This week's mailbag was filled with questions asking if swinging is right for them, questioning the difference between hiring an escort and swinging and when is it ok to say no. Please see what my readers have to say.
My husband and I have talked about swinging or having a threesome for a long time. He wants to have a threesome, inviting another female into our bedroom and I would like to try meeting another couple. We have been married for 17 years and feel the time is right to try something new.
I know there are swing clubs and private parties, but how does one meet another couple or single male / female to swing with. I have read all I can find on the Internet about swinging, but that has not helped us. What advice can you give us.
You sound like you are taking all the right steps, reading and taking your time to find the right person or couple. Finding a couple or single to play with is similar to dating, you might need to meet several couples or singles until you find one that fits. Or you might meet the right players the first time. Keep in mind this is similar to dating, you might need to date several couples until you find a match.
My advice is to talk this through with your spouse, set some boundaries. Then visit a swing club, go to a party, place an ad or join a group. The best advice I can give is to set strict boundaries, like no sex on the first visit to a swing club. Then go meet some couples and singles, come home with your spouse and talk about your first evening at a club. Talk about what you found interesting and pleasurable and what you did not like.
I am often asked about placing an ad either in a paper or on the Internet. I tell my clients it is like shopping for clothes. If you know what you like and what fits, then by all means, a personal ad is a great route to take. If you are just window shopping, then placing an ad might not be the best route to take. If you are looking for something specific, like a TV or Ts then placing an ad or responding to an ad is most likely your best route.
Swinging is a great way to enhance a marriage, build on your trust and bond, but never forget who you came with. Most couples who encounter problems while in the lifestyle, were already unhappy or miserable and tried to use swinging to save or repair a broken marriage.
I am very impressed with the advice you give to both professional providers and clients. You seem to be really into trying to help people out.
I have my own issue. I am recently separated 48 year old man. I was not married to a provider but prior to getting married I dated a lot of different woman. My favorite was a stripper that provided from time-to-time. I never gave her a hard time about it and I never used it against her in a fight. It was such a sexual turn on for me. I never got jealous either. She always made me feel like number one and very loved. She also did not ever want me to be with another woman and I abided by that. That was also a big turn on for me. I would have married her if it were not for the fact that she was very attached to Georgia and would not relocate. I own a business and needed to be on the West Coast.
I ended up marrying a "normal" nice girl and my life always seemed to be missing something. There were times when my wife and I tried different things. On a few occasions I let her pickup guys when we were on vacation or away on a business trip together. I talked her into a lot of situations that she was dead set against at first but then took to them quite well and enjoyed them. In our 16 years of marriage she was with about 20 different guys. I wanted more and more. Some of the guys paid her and that was the biggest turn on for me.
Since separating from my wife I have tried going to strip clubs, tried escorts and other avenues but cannot find a person interested in swinging. I will always remain 100% faithful to them in a loving a caring relationship. I want to be in the lifestyle so bad and have a serious relationship. So here is my question, how do you meet a single lady who is interested in swinging, not just agreeable in order to find a husband?
Thank you for the question. Finding a lady who will bond to you, trust you and enjoy swinging in my opinion is a little like putting the cart before the horse. I know a few couples who actually met at a swing club and are happily married. Swinging is a recreation or hobby, not a substitute for a relationship. If you meet someone on-line or at a club who also enjoys the alternative lifestyle, you still need to form a relationship and build a bond. This usually takes time and attention. You want to make sure there is more to the relationship than just swinging.
My advice is to try a personal ad and just be honest, "48 year old man looking for a partner who enjoys the alternative lifestyle." when you meet a lady, make sure you can enjoy each others company in and out of the lifestyle. Good luck and please let me know if you meet the perfect lady.
I read your column each week and noticed that most of your letters inquiring about swinging seem to be from wives who are trying to please their husbands. I have a different situation. My husband is very happy, has a low sex drive and seems to be very sexually pleased. He is a great husband and a good provider. We are both professional people and work way too much. I have a very high sex drive and can't seem to reach that level of pleasure I require with my husband.
I have mentioned swinging to my husband, but he is not interested. I have mentioned having a threesome, but he does not feel that is necessary. He feels I need to find other ways to spend my energy like exercise. I want to exercise all right, but not at the gym. I have become so frustrated, I find myself flirting more and more. I tease with the store clerks, I find myself reading personal ads, even looking at adult dating sites.
I want to enhance my sex life, but do not want to hurt my marriage. Any suggestions?
Although your situation is not always mentioned in my column, it is far from unusual. It sounds like you have a wonderful marriage in all areas other than the bedroom. My suggestion is to talk to your husband and see if he will go with you to see a sex therapist or sex coach. He might find out why his sex drive is low or what makes your sex drive high. This could be a real bonus for your marriage. If he won't go, consider visiting a local adult toy store and picking up a few new vibrators and toys. My advice is to be very careful with the flirting. It most likely will lead to sex outside the marriage and if discovered, could cause great harm to your marriage.
If you have a question for Julie, please e mail me at Julie@JulieWild.com. If you would like to find out more on Julie's Phone sex Coaching, please visit JulieWild.com or call me at 404-806-7386 for more information.